poems
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performed on Joe's An Audience With!
So when he smiles, he's just a grinny pig,
And when he drives, then he's a mini pig,
And when he smokes, he's a naughty nicotiny pig, nicotiny pig,
that's that guinea pig of ours.
When he says don't, he's strict discipliny pig,
And when he eats Chinese, these he's a mandariny pig,
When he plays strings, then he's a Russian violiny pig, violiny pig,
that's that guinea pig of ours.
And when he throws, then he's a jolly javeliny pig,
Then he gets on his toes, and does his watch me spin-ney pig,
And when he slows, he's been a one too many guinea pig,
that guzzling guinea pig of ours.
And when he slims, he becomes quite a skinny pig,
Instead of sugar in his tea, he would rather sacchariny pig,
Then he bakes a chocolate cake, puts on a very pretty pinny pig, pretty
pinny pig,
that's that guinea pig of ours.
When he goes out, he's not an in-ny pig,
When he turns over a new leaf, then he's a new beginney pig,
And when he dies, he'll be a has Beeny pig, I will put him in the binny pig,
with flowers,
And say farewell, to that old...
grinny, violiny, in a mini, nicotiny, javaliny, skinny guinea pig, of ours.
When along come Suzie a riding on her bike.
She took off her dress and said have what you like,
The dress it didn't fit me so instead I took her bike!
It is 1 of my favs...but I love em all!
We've been together for so very long
but now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong
seems you don't want me around, the passion has gone and the flames died down
you know I, lost a little bit of self esteem
the time that you made it with the whole hockey team
you used to think I was nice, now you tell all your friends that I'm the anti Christ
oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car
that kind of thing is hard to ignore
got funny feeling, you don't love me, anymore
I knew that we were having problems when
you put those piranhas in my bath tub again
you're still the light of my life
oh darling I'm begin' won't you put down that knife
you know I, I even think it's kinda cute the way
you poison my coffee just a little each day
i still remember how you laughed
or when you pushed me down the elevator shaft
oh, I hope you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
doing in my underwear draw?
Got funny feeling you don't love me anymore
you slammed my face down on the bar-b-que grill
now my scars are all healing but my heart never will
you set my house on fire
then you pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
oh, you think I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows whilst I was asleep
you drilled a hole in my head
then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this isn't really like you at all
you never acted this way before
Got funny feeling, you don't love me anymore
Oh nooooooooo
Got funny feeling you don't love me anymore!
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see that walls been plastered,
now you're stuck you stupid fly! LOL
I believe i could eat a pie
I think about it every night and day
Till someone takes my steak and kidney away
I could eat 3 or 4
I see them coming through the oven door
eye,
she asked me what would happen when Sam her
rabbit died.
I said we'd get a shoe box and put dear Sam inside,
then bury him beneath the swing that stands next
to you slide.
Then we'll have a party the best you've ever seen
Play party games, eat sausage rolls have jelly with
ice cream.
When she heard my story all she could say was
WOW
why wait until the day he dies lets kill the bunny
now.
Beware of the badger it said on the gate
It bit off my tadger I read it too late.
then she broke my heart
then she broke my video
what a clumsy tart!
It is only from memory!
Friday, a week ago last Friday,
wasn't really my day,
and I'll tell you why.
Toothache, I had a nasty toothache,
to tell the honest truth mate,
the doctor made me cry.
Fillings, he filled my mouth with fillings,
before he started drilling,
he said there'd be no pain.
Liar, he's such a bloody liar,
the pain I felt was dire,
he didn't use cocaine.
